Comic by natalie dee.

I love eggs. Almost as much as I like cheese.

(Oh, who am I kidding – there’s nothing that comes close to cheese.)

I have enjoyed so many eggs over the years from so many different people, most of them terrific. But it’s the ones that are made not to your liking that stay with you. Let me take you on a journey through this girl’s road-test of a couple of scrambled eggs.

First of all, scrambled eggs do not, will not, should not have any cream or milk added.Not just for the lactose-intolerant of the crowd, but also because you it doesn’t belong in the eggs. If you want milk so bad, pour a glass while your making the eggs or something.

Second, air is the only thing you should add to eggs while cooking. You season the eggs after they are cooked. You can add things like chives or veggies if you absolutely have to, but they are usually reserved for omelets crazy. That’s a  completely different post.

The American Egg Board (yes, eggs are so cool they have a website, and yes, Incredible Edible Eggs are on Twitter) describes well-beaten eggs as “frothy and evenly colored“. When your eggs match that description (generally after about 1-2 minutes) you should stop beating.

So. What You Will Need:

– eggs (I usually have two and some sort of bread and I’m good)

– whisk, frying pan and spatula

– something in which to grease the pan. You can use a little dollop of butter or grease. Let me say this: yes, the grease is unhealthier but i only eat eggs when I’m planning on being active and using those proteins for good, so i enjoy a TINY bit o grease. Plus, we’re almost out of butter so i didn’t want to waste it.

I tried two different ways I had not cooked before in order to test out all the crazy different ways. First up was the “French” way. The main thing that apparently makes this French is that you separate the white and yolk. You don’t want to overcook the yolk, otherwise your eggs fall flat. Some people say to cook eggs at a lower temperature for a longer time, but to each his own. Cooking at medium is perfectly acceptable, especially for this impatient Pepper. One temperature you don’t want to cook at is High. Flash-frying eggs, though it sounds like a great idea, is actually only the quickest way to get soggy-in-the-middle eggs. I shudder to think.

keep ’em separated.

Whisk the whites until they are frothy. I only had one egg, so it didn’t take long at all. Pour it in the pan and let it set a little bit.

wait for it…wait for it…NOW! Pour the whisked yolk on top!

By now the pan has warmed up enough that after this you won’t need but a few swipes of the spatula and you’re done. Well, depending on how runny you like your eggs. I keep mine on a little longer than most.

For the second egg, i just scrambled the whole kit n kaboodle together, at lightning speed and at an angle, to allow a lot of air to move into them:

Yes, I was listening to the Green Hornet Theme while whisking.

Then you just cook it until it is done to your liking.

On to the taste test.

Another note, try NOT to salt and/or pepper your eggs until you after you take the first bite.

Here’s my opinion: If I would have switched the order I made these in, I would have. the 2nd “whupped” eggs would have benefited from the greased flavor, while the French ones were fluffy and tasty enough not to need anything except a dash of sea salt.

There you have it, eggs. People think you can’t screw ’em up until someone makes you a very WRONG one. Don’t let it happen to you.