I don’t think I have ever outrightly said so but this is my blog, so I guess the three people that read it will now know for sure: I am bisexual. I have been bisexual for the majority of my life, although when I was younger I had no idea (well, I had some very conflicted feelings and dreams about Scully/Tank Girl/Wednesday Addams/Christina Ricci in general). I have never had a “REAL” relationship with a woman, but I have had a few dalliances, a lot of crushes, and a lot of complicated friend feelings. Many times I have felt cowardly for not coming out fully, and to everyone, for a long time, and I guess it’s because the culture I grew up in, claiming bisexuality never felt like I was claiming anything. So many people I know are staunchly for one team or another, and I felt like I wasn’t strong enough because I just felt:
Being bisexual, I sometimes feel embarrassed, and it’s just because that society has made me feel this way. I shouldn’t feel bad I’m not completely heterosexual or homosexual or any sexual orientation. I was teased enough that I loved some girls when I was younger, but “hid” behind a boyfriend. I didn’t want to affirm that sometimes it felt like that, least of all to myself. I have been thinking about mentioning it to people, but I’m not sure I am ready or properly prepared to answer all questions about bisexuals, which people are wont to do when they meet one. But I see things like this:
And it makes me feel a little less alone, and that I can treat this silly at times. Yesterday I watched To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar – something my sister and I have watched since we were very young – and not only did I pick up on things I almost always have (that whole freakin’ town stands up for the drag ladies because they are wonderful people), but even moreso on the danger that has always trailed behind (that sheriff threatened to bring their CORPSES to the police station) the community, just for living.
I saw an article yesterday that the massacre in Orlando has prompted people to come out and while the whole thing stuck with me, this bisexual man’s quote rung very true to me:
“ ‘If I’d been in a relationship with a man or a trans person I would have been immediately visible as part of this community but it feels very invisible to be in a straight relationship. That’s not to say that it doesn’t come with privilege, which it shouldn’t do – but it certainly is a factor in terms of wanting to be seen.’ ”
I felt that this would be the time to say that as a bisexual woman, I stand with my community – a community I have always lifted up but never felt quite fully a part of – and my fellow humans.
This isn’t all I really want to say, and I know I could have said it more eloquently, but I needed to get this out of my chest because I need to fill it with more love and less fear and embarrassment.