Things I have cried about today

  • Mary, the one-eyed dog.
    There was a spokesdog for a local shelter named Mary. She was a super chill, used to just sit on a table while the shelter people would talk about donations to event-goers and just be so cool and adorable. I found out today that she passed away. I mean, the last several years of her life were extremely wonderful and the shelter people and new dog dad were very kind and generous and she was loved deeply. But it was still sad to hear.
  • This picture of David Lynch:david-lynch
  • blue christmas” by first aid kit (I don’t know why I’m listening to xmas songs in February, come on.)
  • 10 things I hate about you. I was thinking that as I moved further and further away from high school, I would identify and feel less and less for it. But, in fact, I feel more of some of those things. Maybe someday i’ll write a dissertation on it (or someone at the BMD will), but for now it’s just my cup of tea.
  • thinking about long, deep, meaningful hugs from loved ones, girl crushes, family members, dead people, dogs, long distance friends, and fictional characters.

Things I Have Done Today Instead of Watch the Inauguration

coffee-and-flower-bed

– set up monthly $ donations to creators through patreon
– ate a giant bowl of lucky charms
– decided to write a whole bunch of other things, not relating to politics
– thought about ways I could better show how much I love and care about my friends
– walked in the rain, got coffee, and sat in my favorite ice cream shop
– donated to Planned Parenthood
– re-read Leah’s list of 30 things every woman should have in her closet
– planned zines to create this year
– bought the Battle Hymns compilation CD
– printed out resistance posters from Ladies Who Design to keep on my wall always
– had an hour long Parks and Rec gif thread in a group message because why the hell not:

-repotted some plants while watching Legally Blonde (Elle Woods for President)

– researched comics for an 8-year old girl (let her borrow moon girl and devil dinosaur and she’s obsessed)

– thought about food, glorious food

 

 

20 Years of Mourning

la-pieta

The La Pieta statues was on his casket. A tiny detail I remember because of my friend’s father telling me all about the meaning behind the statue.

Today is the twentieth anniversary of a close friend’s death.
Mark was 12; we were all 12. It was an early morning hit and run as he walked to school early, as was all our custom.

I don’t really want to talk about the details of his death, or the funeral, or that part. Because it’s hard enough to remember his voice, and the way his mind worked, the things he loved and the conversations we had. Not a month goes by I don’t think about him, and how most of us in the small “smart kids” group have stayed in touch, became adults, and have kids of our own (well, “their” own – unless you count Tortilla.)

These last couple years I have thought about him more, and I have been thinking a lot about the close friends and loved ones I have lost, a lot more lately. Of course I know death is inevitable, and I have been working on come to terms with that for a while. Not only have I seen 3 of my 4 grandparents die, but step-parent’s parents as well. An extended grandparent mourning circle. And I take comfort in the fact that they were all old, and lived full lives, and their children carry on their legacy, and stories, and I cherish that.

I have also experienced several deaths in my life that have been sudden, unexpected, and gutting.

Even as a 12 year old kid, I knew that Mark’s death was not fair, not expected (we lived in the northern part of a what was then sleepy suburb), and wouldn’t leave me.

I thought that grieving was something that you “get over” with time, like a break up, or a papercut. But I was 12, what the fuck did I know?

As more people I cling onto die, I realize that for every single person alive, and for each person they lose, the grief and mourning is different. Endless parallel universes of loss.

I wish I could have gone to see every single new Star Wars movie with Mark, and talk about them ad infinitum. I think about the rest of us “dorks,” going to high school, prom, gettings cars, losing our virginity, spending so much time on the internet, finding “careers” (long term careers are another post entirely), finding lovers, breaking up, food trucks, fancy dinners you can actually pay for, traveling the world to climb mountains just for fun, siblings having kids. I want to share that with him, and I guess, when I think about him, I do.

But I have no doubt he would still tell me I belong on the “Funny Farm.”

And just like that, this day became too much.

when-the-partys-over

Talking about making excuses to get out of living life, reading the newest the dry down tinyletter, and mentioning – then proceeding to stare at – a quote that Kelly Sue sent to me via #BGSDList that I wrote out and keep above my workspace.

“What if today, you wrote down every time you made an excuse to avoid doing something? 

Are you capable of that level of honesty?”

GEEEZ KELLY.

I still haven’t been able to answer yes, if I’m being completely honest with myself, because the feelings of writing down everything I excuse might break my heart.

January, what are you trying to tell me?

End of Year 2016 A list of lists

hat-desert-girl

I got the inspiration to just have a list of lists from Paul Bullock’s Sub Pop list. And you better believe my candy list is a mile long, but…for the sake of (some) brevity, top favorites:

Breakfast Spots that aren’t my own skillet:

Mel’s Diner – the closest diner to my house, the most consistently good diner food, and never a wait, even on Sundays. could it honestly get any better?

Otro Cafe – Huevos Rancheros are awesome, I’ve heard the elote is tops, but for me, it’s their flapjacks. Flapjacks so perfect, they will cure what ails ya. And the staff is always super nice and friendly.

Joe’s Diner – Yes, dear reader, another diner, but, as Ron Swanson says:

Honorable Mention – any breakfast eaten at a campground.

Dinner

Is it cheating if I say Otro again? Because seriously, it’s my fave place to go if I have more than a few pennies to rub together.

Lunch

Oyster sandwich at Shake Foundation in Santa Fe (I don’t like eating lunch very often, so this one was pretty memorable)

Comics

Paper Girls, She Wolf, James Bond (first one was published November last year, but I didn’t get around to reading them until this year. I make this list – I also make the rules)

Candy –

Strawberry Sour Belts. the ones you buy in bulk from a giant tub – none of that prepackaged stuff. It just doesn’t taste the same.

Rainbow nonpareils – I could eat them on everything, given the chance.

Gushers – not a great name, but what a great flavor

Movies –

Green Room, Zootopia, probably Moonlight, Hail, Caesar, Neon Demon, Moana, Fantastic Beasts, Swiss Army Man and Rogue One, but I haven’t seen them because I am so far behind on film stuffs

TV Shows – 

I don’t have internet, so it’s hard to catch up on anything I might have missed, unless it’s at the library. So I watched more Penny Dreadful. And am rewatching Twin Peaks.

An aside, I randomly missed Trophy Wife. It was really good, and now thinking about it again, I might go down a hole of good canceled tv and watch Terriers.

Books – 

Harry Potter series – this was the first time I have read them and I listened to them on a weeklong road trip. I really regret not reading them sooner, but I am really happy that I have now.

Wanton West. I am extremely interested in the niche category of the history of prostitution in the United States, especially when it was legal. This was a pretty fascinating, and gave some great personal accounts of the West.

Dive Bars –

The Quail Lounge. Cheap pitchers, not very rowdy, and the bartender is the sweetest lady. Plus, I brought in a pie on Xmas and no one cared, except my friends.

Favorite Art

Pieces from the Artomats of New Mexico,

Burgundy’s Forgotten Banana,

A young artist in taos, I wish I could remember his name but this portrait haunts me

Ryan Hale‘s Earth and Sky

the leftovers in an artist’s studio I stayed in Colorado Springs,

Andrea Peterson‘s Road Trippin’ (to see it in person is even better – SO BIG)

Synchronicities –

  • I love every time I have strong feelings, or weird dreams about someone, I text them, or they text me, and they are in need. That feels like the best definition of “meaningful coincidences.” It happens often enough I couldn’t write all of them down, but maybe I should?

Twitter Followers – 

Topping the list is @prograpslady. Danielle has become my favorite Canadian by far (sorry, Ellen Page), and not just because of her hilarious twitter feed. We have become real friends and I find her to be good and real and a perfect land mermaid. She also sends me sweet things for no reason. I am her favorite non-naked work of art, she is my boo forevermore.

Honorable Mentions – Alana, Weedy, Minka, Abid, Fem Jones, Kittle, Marya, Bailey Jay, Ayoka, Scott!

PerfumesVanille Bourbon, Audrey Horne, but that might change, if Rachel Syme’s and Helena Fitzgerald’s The Dry Down is any indication of new perfumes to try. One that smells like a wet stone? ::grabby hands::

Random Moments – 

  • A really deep and meaningful hug from a friend who had just finished her cancer treatments
  • when Bowie died I was really, really sad. I visited with my sister and 5 year old niece, and while we ate breakfast, I played some songs for her and she danced in her seat, saying, “I like David Bowie.”
  • Walking around Santa Fe in the pouring rain and night

Things That Have Made Me Cry This Weekend:

lightning-in-the-neighborhoodA quick photo I took after the big rains Friday night.

♠ I just found out Werner Herzog wrote a book called Conquest of the Useless. That phrase is very romantically tragic, and very cellar door to me.

♠ This quote from an article about working in every relationship:
“Another fact about relationships: it’s based on freedom; the freedom to love and care for someone…or not. Not everyone whom you hold these feeling for will offer them in return. Genuine relationships are made up of two individuals that have chosen to love and care for each other. It’s easy for someone to show up in your life and tell you that they love you; it’s much more difficult for them to demonstrate that love consistently.

Those that choose to remain in your life and steadily demonstrate their love and care with wholehearted acceptance are the type individuals that you want for your relationships.”

♠ Evan Young, giving his banned graduation speech

♠ Thinking about Keanu Reeves

♠ At least three other things that I can’t even think of right now.

What was with this weekend? I think the fact that it NEVER rains in June here in the desert must have messed me up slightly. At any rate, it’s in the past and now that I have rehydrated, I can start this week by kickin some ass (writing a bunch).