I have thought a lot about Orlando and all of my LGBTQIA+ friends and loved ones

I don’t think I have ever outrightly said so but this is my blog, so I guess the three people that read it will now know for sure: I am bisexual. I have been bisexual for the majority of my life, although when I was younger I had no idea (well, I had some very conflicted feelings and dreams about Scully/Tank Girl/Wednesday Addams/Christina Ricci in general). I have never had a “REAL” relationship with a woman, but I have had a few dalliances, a lot of crushes, and a lot of complicated friend feelings. Many times I have felt cowardly for not coming out fully, and to everyone, for a long time, and I guess it’s because the culture I grew up in, claiming bisexuality never felt like I was claiming anything. So many people I know are staunchly for one team or another, and I felt like I wasn’t strong enough because I just felt: why-not-both

Being bisexual, I sometimes feel embarrassed, and it’s just because that society has made me feel this way. I shouldn’t feel bad I’m not completely heterosexual or homosexual or any sexual orientation. I was teased enough that I loved some girls when I was younger, but “hid” behind a boyfriend. I didn’t want to affirm that sometimes it felt like that, least of all to myself. I have been thinking about mentioning it to people, but I’m not sure I am ready or properly prepared to answer all questions about bisexuals, which people are wont to do when they meet one. But I see things like this:

jess-fink-bi-tweetAnd it makes me feel a little less alone, and that I can treat this silly at times. Yesterday I watched To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar – something my sister and I have watched since we were very young – and not only did I pick up on things I almost always have (that whole freakin’ town stands up for the drag ladies because they are wonderful people), but even moreso on the danger that has always trailed behind (that sheriff threatened to bring their CORPSES to the police station) the community, just for living.

I saw an article yesterday that the massacre in Orlando has prompted people to come out and while the whole thing stuck with me, this bisexual man’s quote rung very true to me:

“ ‘If I’d been in a relationship with a man or a trans person I would have been immediately visible as part of this community but it feels very invisible to be in a straight relationship. That’s not to say that it doesn’t come with privilege, which it shouldn’t do – but it certainly is a factor in terms of wanting to be seen.’ ”

I felt that this would be the time to say that as a bisexual woman, I stand with my community – a community I have always lifted up but never felt quite fully a part of – and my fellow humans.

This isn’t all I really want to say, and I know I could have said it more eloquently, but I needed to get this out of my chest because I need to fill it with more love and less fear and embarrassment.

Nom Nom Nom: Grilled Cheese with Cucumbers

Did you know that April is National Grilled Cheese Month and April 12 is National Grilled Cheese Day? In my house, that is a very sacred an orthodox day.

After going to the Grilled Cheese Invitational several years ago, my mind has always been awash in slightly outside the box grilled cheeses. Breakfast griller with tater tots and bacon in there? YES. Dessert griller with mozzarella, strawberries with chocolate balsamic red-wine reduction? You cannot put it in front of me fast enough. So when I read this idea for goat cheese and cucuumbers, I thought – why the hell not?! I love cream cheese and cucumbers so much I feel like a complete dope that I before never thought about putting them in a grilled cheese sandwich. I finally did. Well, someone else finally did and I discovered it, much to my overenthusiastic joy.

Cucumber Goat Cheese Grilled Cheese

Things I have cried about today:

sky-with-grey-clouds

– Talking to an acquaintance about my aunt dying unexpectedly. Even though she is my boss’ boss and I don’t know her that well, a hug from her was welcome.
– This personal story of how Casino Royale helped film critic Phil Noble Jr. mourn in his own way, as Bond mourned in his.
– An achingly beautiful description of the unsettling mysteries of the Lynchian world.
– I can’t imagine how scared I would be, after running 26 miles in another country where I do not know the language, and receiving a doughnut from a well-meaning person. Italian man who ran the NYC marathon being lost, then found.

– this photo of Montgomery Clift: monty-clift

But it’s only 3:30. There might be more.

Bubble Wands

I know it seems like a signature summer thing to do, but I have learned that smack dab in the middle of an arid desert summer is actually not the best time to get my bubble on. From extensive research, I have learned that humid/overcast days actually work best for bubble-blowing. After learning that, I just had to wait for a humid day. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen very often, so I had to wait a while. As for my weapon (read: wand) of choice, I decided to get creative and try out several different ones:

Cookie cutter

drinking straws

hand wand

sparkly pipe cleaner

You can also try funnels, a kazoo, even a hula hoop – if you can figure out how to get bubble solution on the whole thing.

bubble-blowers
Bubble blowers and solution from hellobee

Things That Have Made Me Cry This Weekend:

lightning-in-the-neighborhoodA quick photo I took after the big rains Friday night.

♠ I just found out Werner Herzog wrote a book called Conquest of the Useless. That phrase is very romantically tragic, and very cellar door to me.

♠ This quote from an article about working in every relationship:
“Another fact about relationships: it’s based on freedom; the freedom to love and care for someone…or not. Not everyone whom you hold these feeling for will offer them in return. Genuine relationships are made up of two individuals that have chosen to love and care for each other. It’s easy for someone to show up in your life and tell you that they love you; it’s much more difficult for them to demonstrate that love consistently.

Those that choose to remain in your life and steadily demonstrate their love and care with wholehearted acceptance are the type individuals that you want for your relationships.”

♠ Evan Young, giving his banned graduation speech

♠ Thinking about Keanu Reeves

♠ At least three other things that I can’t even think of right now.

What was with this weekend? I think the fact that it NEVER rains in June here in the desert must have messed me up slightly. At any rate, it’s in the past and now that I have rehydrated, I can start this week by kickin some ass (writing a bunch).